"When guys drink, they’re sweaty and disgusting. When girls drink, they’re like adorable cherubs that smell of lilac."
- Page 7 of Journal #6 (November 17th, 2001- July 17th, 2002)
"It was Chris’ 24th birthday so I took him to Sneaky Dee’s and bought him $100 worth of shots in under 2 hours. The bartender warned me that he shouldn’t be serving Chris drinks this quickly so I tipped big and he shut up and kept serving. I got Chris so drunk that he couldn’t even walk or talk so I had to carry him to a cab, go home with him and carry him into his apartment. For some reason we sat him clothed in a bathtub full of water thinking it would rehydrate him. Drunk logic. He also did some drunken death fart and I was convinced he shit his pants (but he didn’t shit his pants). I think I asked Christina to check if Chris shit himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I gave him alcohol poisoning. His hangover is going to be crippling."
- Page 1 of Journal #8 (April 29th, 2003 - June 3rd, 2005)
"Greg was so fucking gone that the idiot washed his hands IN THE PUKE in the sink. His baked brain apparently thought it was a water. What a boner!"
- Page 22 of Journal #1 (August 29th, 1998 - January 1st, 1999)
"I dunno. Dave just ended up on the floor wasted with his dick out."
- Page 30 of Journal #4 (April 14th, 2000 - December 19th, 2000)
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
"Yeah motherfuckers, I’m in the UK visiting family. Mum went out with Nana tonight so I decided to go on a mission to see if I could buy beer. I found a convenience store and they had all this Robin Hood fucking beer so I passed on that gay medieval knights and crossbow shit and grabbed some tallies of Budweiser aka real beer. I bought that shit like a professional- totally calm and motherfucking collected. As soon as I got outside I asked some random old lady to photograph me with my shit. This is historical- first successful purchase of beer as a minor!!! As soon as I get back home I’m going to make sure everyone see this shit right here. It makes me a fucking legend. I didn’t want to drink the beers at Nana’s and leave evidence so I found an alley and hid behind a dumpster and pounded the beers then I walked back to Nan’s. I found a chippy so I got a bean and chip butty to toast my victory! Really wish we had places that sold bean and chip butties back home- they’re the shit! "
- Page 5 of Journal #3 (July 18th, 1999 - April 10th, 2000)
"We ended up at Sneaky Dee’s and got our drink on. Gordie disappeared for a bit so I went on a quest to find him. I searched every floor then found him drunk in toilet stall with his dick stuck between his legs playing with toilet paper. He was totally lights out so I dragged him outside and threw his ass in a cab."
- Page 9 of Journal #9 (June 3rd, 2005 - January 10th, 2007)
"Pretty sure Gordo turned his malt liquor into a brass monkey tonight to lessen the shitty taste of the malt liquor. Despite diluting it and drinking it over like 4 hours he got so wasted on his first voyage into drunkenness that he crashed into the garbage can in the kitchen (and couldn’t get up for some time as he was in full-on laugh mode). I could be wrong but I think this is the first time his virginally pure body has ever ingested alcohol which explains why he was so fucked up, and wearing flip flops with socks on. He basically drank himself to a classic hobo-like state in that he was drunk, on the floor and leaning against a garbage pail."
- Page 28 of Journal #4 (April 14th, 2000 - December 19th, 2000)
"Woke up this morning with a fucking pounding headache because we got absolutely annihilated last night. It’s all a little hazy and I don’t remember details but I guess Dave and I busted out the matching pink tuxedo shirts and did some Chippendales striptease shit for Odessa."
- Page 19 of Journal #4 (April 14th, 2000 - December 19th, 2000)
"Not sure how it came about but whoever is the drunkest at Barton has to wear ‘the drunk helmet’ as sort of a trophy / safety thing. Anyway, Amy got blind drunk tonight and won the helmet AND was made to wear ski goggles AND was giving piggy back rides at a million miles an hour down the hall."
- Page 37 of Journal #5 (December 19th, 2000 - November 6th, 2001)